The phrase “battle of the sexes” comes from a 1973 tennis match between female tennis players and a male tennis player. The man was boasting about how female tennis was not a real sport, and he challenged some female players to a match. In his first match against a female player, the woman lost, fueling his rants to the point that another woman decided to take the match. This woman, however, had learned from the last player who lost and prepared to play a different type of tennis than she normally played just to win, and she did.
This, as we all know, was not the end of the larger cultural view of the “battle of the sexes.” Women in tennis did not suddenly begin receiving equal pay, nor did equality suddenly appear in every other avenue of life. There are countless examples of unfairness between the sexes that continue to put us at odds with one another.
Science shows vast differences between the ways men and women experience sex physically, emotionally, mentally, and socially. As culture and beliefs change, biases shift from one sex to another, though often painfully slowly. Before the 1700s, women were often considered the more lustful sex. Once society learned that female orgasm was not required for reproduction, the narrative shifted, and men began being viewed as naturally more sexual. Throughout history, one sex or the other has frequently been viewed less favorably depending on the cultural fears, religious beliefs, or social expectations of the time. I am sure, dear reader, that you can think of several examples of your own.
The bedroom is one of the places where society’s beliefs about the battle of the sexes become deeply personal. All the messages about masculinity, femininity, power, shame, entitlement, beauty, dominance, emotion, and worth eventually follow people into their sex lives.
For decades, conversations about sex often centered around male pleasure. Men were expected to instinctively “know” what they were doing without being taught, while their worth became tied to performance, conquest, and confidence. Women, meanwhile, were often taught that their value in sex was tied to desirability, purity, or their ability to provide pleasure rather than experience it.
Neither of these narratives are helpful! Pitting the sexes against one another seems to be encouraged especially with social media amplifying this divide! However, as a society we need to stop battling over sex. The bedroom is the first place we should be working together. Every woman deserves to have enjoyable sex, and every man should feel safe enough to have a chance to be vulnerable and not always have to perform and conquer.
I don’t know that the battle of the sexes will ever stop on a larger scale but in the bedroom we can start to quietly let the battle die. Stepping into a private space with a person should be where you can lay down the expectations of the world and just explore the moment and each other to find pleasure.
This should start off by who you choose to spend sexy time with. If that person is more about their own pleasure than yours, it might be time to look elsewhere. After choosing a good partner, let’s let go of gender norms especially around sex. While in the daylight with friends one may choose to make broad stereotypes, this needs to stop. There is a lot of dissatisfaction in fulfilling gender roles. The gender scripts limit both partners. Once these are let go everyone can show up to this space more authentically which can lead to deeper more erotic experiences. With an authentic space created one should feel more comfortable to find what feels good, take the time to explore each other’s bodies and ask does this feel good? Then actually listen for the answer. Everyone wants to have great sex. It is important to remember that sex is not a performative experience, it is a feeling experience. Trying to put on a performance and prove something creates a pressure which is the enemy of pleasure. Make sure to stay curious rather than chasing a goal, focus on what feels good. This can lead to expanding your definition of sex. Think of sex as anything consensual that creates arousal and pleasure. This helps to stop focusing on chasing that end goal. Lastly enthusiasm is always a turn on and honestly this leads to real enjoyment which is one of the most attractive qualities. Bringing visibility into what is happening and letting your partner feel that engagement is really powerful! People will remember how you made them feel. Finding out what they like either through verbal language or body language and actively trying to give them what they want will help you get yours too.
Catherine Williams is a Sexologist, Sex Coach, and the founder of Sanguine Relationships. She holds a degree in Psychology (Summa Cum Laude) and is a dedicated researcher of human sexual behavior. Catherine provides a shame-free, pleasure-focused, and science-backed approach to intimacy.
